This is my heart saying goodbye

I used to think that when my heart would break, it would be something akin to the end of the world. Like those scenes where buildings collapse, grounds splitting wide open, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, and all kinds of disasters known to man.

I never thought my heart would break silently. It broke with delicacy, not even creating any kind of ripple in the wind. Not even creating a sound loud enough to reach your ears for you to recognize what you just did.

And I guess that was it. That has always been the case. My heart is trapped in a soundproof chest, its desires never to be heard. No matter how loud it screams for you, your ears will never hear it. No matter how much it cries for you, your hands will never dry its tears.

My heart’s voice is starting to get tired from all the screaming, it’s eyes swollen from all the crying. It’s time I took charge. This time I’m cradling my own heart, comfort it until it forgets your name and I’ll make sure it won’t shed a single tear for you anymore.

This is my heart saying goodbye.

Is it real or just another crush?

Hi there. 

You should probably know that I find you cute. Although every time you provoke me and tease me, saying that I find you cute, I would altogether deny it. I would just roll my eyes and tell you you’re crazy and you’re so full of yourself but at the same time, I could feel my cheeks blush because I find it hard to deny it. You really are cute. You’re adorkable, even. 

You should also know that I find you smart. Like every time a question forms in my head, I could always turn to you and get answers    I like that you don’t make fun of me for not knowing stuff but instead make it a point that I learn from you. 

I like how at times you make fun of yourself and do not get insecure when I tease you. Because you would always tease me back. I like how easily we fell into this camaraderie and how we do not get awkward around each other. I like that I could be myself when I’m around you. 

The bottom line is, I like you. It’s been a long time since I’ve genuinely liked a boy the way I like you and it stirs this crazy feeling in my chest. I look at you and then you’ll flash me your silly grin and my mind goes blank and my heart starts to race. And sometimes when you’re not looking, I stare at your face and note the strong line of your jaw and the slant of your nose. The way you bite your lips when you’re stressed. The way your eyes squint when you stare at your work for too long. The way you hair falls in front of your face and how I want to brush it away so I can stare at your features a few moments longer. 

I try so hard to make the feeling go away. I see your faults and your flaws and still I chose to stay. But the choice is not really mine to make. For you have a girl, and the girl is not me. 

Your eyes light up when you speak her name. Your deep voice hints at how proud and how lucky you are to be hers. I just hope that she also finds herself lucky to have a guy like you to call hers. 

Passenger’s Seat

Jusko, ayaw ko nang maging pasahero. Nakakastress yung transportation system sa Pilipinas.

Kanina, pauwi galing MOA, ang tagal kong nag-abang ng bus. Syempre, ako namang atat na umuwi, tinanggap na ang kapalaran ko sa standing. Yun pala pauupuin din ako. Pauupuin ako sa aisle. 

Ang shit lang. Bawal na palang magpunuan sa bus kung dadaan sa Macapagal, bakit hindi man lang nila ininform yung mga pasahero na bumaba kung ayaw sa aisle? Nagbabayad ako para sa upuan, tapos magtitiyaga ako sa aisle? Ano, uupo sa hangin? 

Grabe. Sa sobrang kagustuhang makakiha ng pasahero at makakita ng mas malaki, isinasantabi na yung comfort. Ang nakakainis lang, walang umaangal sa maling sistema. Mali na nga, nananahimik pa. 

Kung makakababa lang talaga ako nung mga panahong iyon, nagawa ko na. Nashock lang ako kasi ako na lang yung nakatayo, lahat sila nakaupo na sa gitna. 

Yung pagsakay ko naman ng jeep, yung ateng katabi ko, nakasabit yung kamay sa hawakan sa taas tapos nakapatong yung siko sa balikat ko. Mukha ba akong lamesa? Nakakainis. Ang dami ko pang rants sa jeep, ayoko nang isa-isahin at naiistress lang ako.

Gustuhin mo mang mag-taxi kaso nangongontrata sila ng presyo. Kung di ka papayag, ilolock nila yung pinto at hindi ka palalabasin hangga’t di mo binabayad yung gusto nilang presyo. Nandiyan din yung mga risk ng kidnapping, rape, nakawan, etc.

Sa LRT, ang kailangan bagong tren, turnstile ang pinalitan. Magnetic cards pa nga lang natatanga nang gamitin, yung beep card pa kaya? Tapos kapag rush hour, ang haba lagi ng pila sa tickets. 

Gustuhin mong bumili ng kotse, bukod sa mahal, magastos, pamatay pa yung traffic na dadatnan mo.

Akala ko sa tagal ng taon kong magiging pasahero, masasanay na ako. Pero each day I ride through public transportation, I find that there are still a few things that I could add to the list that I hate about it.

What you do not know will not hurt you

Last week, nung review time sa Law, napag-usapan namin yung topic sa Agency tungkol sa acts of the agent, ganon. Tapos biglang napunta sa usapang may hugot. Sabi ni Sir:

What you do not know will not hurt you. Pero kunwari ikaw, nagdududa ka sa boyfriend mo, baka may girlfriend na iba. Anong gagawin mo? You pretend that you do not know. 

Me: (thoughts) Kapag nagpapakatanga lang naman talaga ganyan eh.

Sir: Assuming you know… You just pretend that you were not hurt. 

Grabe, ang lakas ng reaction sa room eh. Pramis, kapag hugutan talaga, active sa klase. Pero kapag subject proper, nagsisitulugan na. Ang ganda kaya ng Law. Tsaka yung mga kwento ni Sir tungkol sa babies (cars) niya. 

I’m currently taking a short break from studying because, hell, I’m in desperate need of one. I’ve been working on my desk since morning, my back is aching, and my butt is going flat. A few more minutes of this and I’m going to go crazy!

I love learning but I’m the kind of learner who learns from experience rather than from textbooks. That’s why long theoretical gibberish captures my attention for only about three seconds. And that’s also the reason why after I only (usually) study for exams at a date near the actual exam itself. I tend to forget the things I read after I’ve exhausted them on the exam.

It’s frustrating, though. Like for example, this subject, Auditing Theory. It’s the third/fourth time I’ve studied this subject but I still understand a few of them. Granted, everytime I review, I always find new things to learn, new things to focus on but seriously, what the heck? Why can’t I just retain everything on my mind?

I know AT is an interesting subject. I want to love it especially with my desire to work at ang auditing firm but I just can’t get a tighter grasp on it. 

I’m a learner from experience. Maybe once I get a job (after I pass the Board, of course), I’ll understand it better. Once I apply everything and once I act on the things I only get to read, maybe. But right now, let me procrastinate.